I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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