This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
