things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
