No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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