We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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