Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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