that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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