We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
