dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
