u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Semen is not good for contacts.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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