got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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