the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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