Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
