Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
