yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he was CRYING into my vagina
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
