I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
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It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
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You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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