Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
