um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
