i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
