She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
