Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
