i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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