i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
