rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
