Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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