I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sorry about my life...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
