At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She made me pour olive oil on her.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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