he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
what day is it and did you see me today?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I pour the whiskey from now on
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
