my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
