Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
