your room smells of hookers.
And success
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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