the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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