You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
