I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
