just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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