Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
