She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
