if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
