Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
