oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
