my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
How's work?
Spinning.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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