I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
