Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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