theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Is Oprah even human
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
