i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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