I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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