Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
