I want to make a zoo with you.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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