8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I pour the whiskey from now on
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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