Me too!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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