My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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