you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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